I haven’t been posting a lot lately, here is why.
I’ve made it no secret that I’ve struggled with bouts of depression in the past.
This current episode has pretty much ate up most of the year 2014. I used to ask myself “when will it end?” but I’ve been seeing a psychologist who has helped me reframe things. I’ve moved from feeling pretty powerless against it to realizing that I have tools against this. I know ways to cope with the days when I feel pessimistic, lethargic, empty, and numb. I know that as much as I don’t want to, I have to go to class because if I don’t the misery will deepen. I know that as much as I don’t want to I need to do my devotions, my schoolwork. The doing-things doesn’t always work. Sometimes I have to keep myself from crying in class for no reason. Sometimes I have split-second thoughts while crossing the street wondering if I stopped would that car hit me? And for a brief second I want to see. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying, I don’t want to die. Just on the really dark days I don’t care if I do.
And yeah, I’m kind of realizing that this will probably be something I have to struggle with my whole life and that’s okay. Sure, sometimes it makes it hard to operate from day to day, but usually I can organize myself enough to get done what I need to get done.
So, now as to why the blog has been quieter, well bluntly put, I’ve been unable to find much joy in my faith. The rites which once brought elation and wonder have turned unfulfilling. Where I once voraciously consumed information I have to force myself to slog through books. The Deipnon and Noumenia once brough elation and renewal. They now feel like mere hassles.
I may be making the mistake of being too honest here, but that’s why. The lack of energy on top of the thing which I’ve oriented my life, my dreams, my ambitions around becoming hollow makes it very hard to say anything that feels. . .meaningful.
Now make no assumption or mistake. This isn’t a prelude to me leaving Hellenism and/or Paganism. These are just the facts. I have to cope with depression. I have to use the tools at my disposal to cope with it. I will keep doing the rites and duties that I must.
I have found that a few things make me exceptionally happy, most prominently: teaching, acting, and helping others. So now I chase those and I find the greatest joy when I can intersect any of those with my faith and use them to serve the gods.
I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet but I know someday I will.
If you are struggling with depression or mental illness, I cannot stress enough the difference that a good psychologist can make. I’m not saying it is the answer for everybody, but I’m finding it immensely helpful.
Thank y’all for your patience.