I am lonely.
I constantly feel like I’m longing for something, mourning something. Mourning for nothing. Longing for something nebulous and unobtainable. A “tribe”, a place to belong, people once again. I have friends. Good friends! Great friends! I have an amazing boyfriend. I am liked. And I am terribly, terribly, terribly lonely. Maybe it is the depression speaking, I tell myself, but I don’t think it is. I’ve been longing for this unobtainable thing for a while now, but chasing it is pointless. I can’t force it. I can’t make things happen. But that answer is not enough. I am unsatisfied. Discarding seems to be the only viable option, but discarding such a desire is easier said than done when you feel it to your core.
Maybe some say that I should be satisfied with simply serving the gods with or without a community of support. I say fuck that. I am not a hermit, a monk, a mystic in the woods. Maybe many Pagans are and that’s good and well for them, but I am not. And then I feel terrible for thinking like this since the gods have been good to me. But I’m only who I am.
I am hopeless.
With all the potshots that constantly go on, with all the “controversies” that are contrived, and with all the mud-slinging that goes on I find it hard to maintain feelings of hope for our future. Sure, you might say it is only online, but think about how much interaction takes place online for this newest generation of Pagans. Think about how much online interaction is becoming important for the older generations of Pagans. Paganism relies heavily on the internet for dissemination and introducing new people to the various faiths within the umbrella, what are they going to see? Just toxicity? Will they be chased off within 5 years? Many Pagans are. Not all, but a fair number. I don’t see a bright future.
I am tired.
Doing anything in day-to-day life is beginning to feel like a struggle more and more. Right when I think I’m getting better, bam I get worse. Keeping up with my classwork is a little bit tough but doing devotionals and meditations feel like they take twice as much energy as anything else. I’m tired of organizing and paying for rites that only three people show up to. I’m tired of celebrating holidays by my self. I’m tired of constantly having to have the same fights over and over and over again with a people that I don’t even feel like a part of.
And yet I can’t do anything about any of this. The gods have been good to me. The gods are what I know. The gods are what I’ve experienced. Yet the dearth of people, support, community, it takes its toll on me. I have good friends, I have a good partner, I’ve been blessed by the gods. What more could I ask for? I feel selfish. I feel terrible. I feel like I shouldn’t be having these complaints.
I wish I could write this stuff off as being mood related, but the moods only make the issues stand-out more. They’ve been there. They’ve always been there. I’ve just been ignoring them, faking it till I make it, making big ambitious plans to chase so maybe I can forget about these things gnawing on me. Then the plans fall through. Circumstance change making them unviable or I end up not having the energy to sell myself the lie anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong here. I don’t want that to be true because if I don’t belong here I don’t belong anywhere. What do I do? Nothing helps.
Not gods, not charms, not therapy, not friends. There is no relief.