I will no longer be writing on this blog. There have been such significant spiritual changes for me that it simply no longer feels appropriate. I will keep it here for posterity.
I will continue writing on a different blog at a later date. When that occurs I will do a write up here. Donors from this calendar year will appear on the new blog and people to whom I owe posts will still get their posts on the new blog, when it goes up.
Thank you for reading and being my friends these past few years. I hope you will continue to do both despite the coming changes.
This game and this review discuss sensitive subjects such rape, gore, and torture. This review also contains mild spoilers.
Title: I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream Platform: PC
Price: 5.99 on Steam
Release Year: 1995
I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream is based on the short story by the same name written by Harlan Ellison. The game uses the same five core characters as the short story and introduces some of its own devising.
The game is a point-and-click adventure centering around the five characters (Gorrister, Ellen, Benny, Nimdok, and Ted) and a psychodrama that the sadistic, sentient, hate filled supercomputer AM has cooked up for them. The controls are, at times, frustrating. Sometimes transitions to other areas are not readily apparent and floor layouts are not consistent. In Gorrister’s story you enter into different cabins on an airship. You enter in roughly the same spot on each door, but rooms in the same row have exit doors placed in different locations. There are numerous other examples where sometimes a character just appears in a room and it is not readily apparent where the hell they came in from. Stylistic choice or not, it can make for some frustrating gameplay.
Another frustrating element is that what the player must do to progress is not always readily apparent. The sequence of events are usually logically connected and each story has logical outcomes. But sometimes you can advance to other parts of the story with leaving one small thing undone and leaving this seemingly innocuous thing undone (like eating a piece of bread covered in rat shit) prevents you from advancing forward in the story.
Overall though, the stories told makes up for the occasionally frustrating game play. Unlike the original short story each of the five protagonist’s psychodramas leave open the possibility of redemption or change. Each story also expands significantly on the character’s presented in the short story. Nimdok is a former Auschwitz ‘doctor’. Ted was a fop who used his charms and good looks to find a sugar mama. Ellen was an electrical engineer who pulled down a considerable amount of money. Each character is given a life of their own and a history.
If you are worried that the game might pull punches where the original story did not. . .you would be incorrect. Ellen, for example, was raped and AM uses that trauma relentlessly to torment her. While the traumatic thing having to be rape strikes me as a lazy and uncreative storytelling choice I do have to wonder if the publication date has anything to do with it. As Nimdok AM forces you to torture a little Jewish boy. The game goes to dark and disturbing places and it certainly is not for the faint of heart.
The most perplexing change to the story of the original characters is changing Benny from being gay to him having a wife. Frankly I cannot really find a reason for this, he just seems to have been arbitrarily made straight which is an odd deviation from Benny’s original character.
Ultimately you are experiencing five short stories and one final story in an interactive format. The game, while not perfect, is certainly very good and has aged well.
Firstly, my latest post on Patheos is up, wherein I make book recommendations! Exhilarating and hard hitting stuff, I know!
Bojack Horseman releases on Netflix on July 17th. I enjoyed the first season of the show quite a lot. . .but it does get really dark and depressing near the end. So, I’m really looking forward to Season 2.
All Songs Considered has been absolutely one of my favorite podcasts to date. Music lovers with adventurous tastes may find this podcast to be to their liking. They are how I found out about Kate Tempest and TORRES
Bjork’s album Vulnicura is absolutely brilliant. I plan on doing a review sometime next week.
So I mentioned earlier in the week that some changes were coming. Some of you may have read my most recent post on relationships and picked up a couple hints.
But, this was the day on which I was given permission to be fully out, open, and public with it. I have exited out of a devotional relationship with Athena. I’ve had diviners confirm this and my final reading came in and cinched it for me. What I want in my life and what Athena would require of me simply don’t line up. There was a period of negotiation and testing, but our agendas simply did not align. Naturally this hurt. . .a lot. It still hurts. I was devestated. And I had to do some serious questioning. Was I in Hellenism for Hellenism, or was I just doing it for Athena?
After some serious questioning, mediation, thought experiments, and advice, I decided that for better or worse Hellenism is the place for me and for my eventual family. I understand the symbolism, I understand the ways of doing things, and I do love my gods despite the doubts this experience has generated.
I’m still dedicated to Aphrodite and Hermes and still hope to build a temple (or at least a temenos) some day.
I will be keeping my Patheos column the same as long as it remains a bi-weekly column. If I ever move to a personal column over there I’ll change the name. As for the name here, I do plan on changing it. . .but I’m not in a rush. Despite the way things went Athena still did a lot for me and I doubt I’d be where I am without her guidance, support, and blessings.
But relationships change and all this is for the best.
Things always change. Divine relationships are no exception to this. I am no exception to this.
Sometimes, things have analogues in the human world. Sometimes things just end for reasons that you are unaware of or don’t really understand at the moment. But you think, maybe through all of this and through marching on I’ll understand why what happened, happened. You cannot allow yourself to regret how much of you you put into it all. You cannot allow yourself to regret a single second spent, because you are regretting a part of what made you, you. It made you who you are.
I have entered a state of uncertainty. . .unknowability. The past year and a half I have found my future getting blurrier and blurrier, plans more and more uncertain. But you can’t fight change. Even if you don’t understand why things must change. The course of events can be difficult to undertake, but they are going to happen.
So I guess that’s why I’m writing this to anyone who follows or reads this blog. I have some big changes coming. I don’t know what precisely. . .but I do suspect that there will be some changes to what I write about, talk about, and think about. For better or worse.
The name of this will almost certainly change.
Thanks for reading,
I thought I knew you
I thought we cared
But when the fire started creeping
We fled, nothing was shared
Life was creeping in
Through the cracks
Life was seeping in
Behind our backs
A single drop of oil
And then your gone
Was I ever worth keeping?
Or did I get strung along?
Whatever the story
That’s our circumstance
We both take deep breaths
This is our final dance
As some may or may not know I am a Furry. To gauge “how much” of a Furry I am is kinda pointless to me. In my younger years participation in the fandom saved my life. As noted before, I grew up in a very conservative and homophobic household. Not just household, but family too. Being a gay was frequently equated with pedophilia and I was even told by an Uncle that if I ever turned gay he’d castrate me if I came into his home. I came to realize that I was gay around the age of 15 and, due to my circumstance fell into a deep depression. I thought I was a horrid monster unworthy of love and that I was going to go to hell. I tried to kill myself but due to my incompetence and ignorance of how do it I wound up with nothing other than a wrist that became a bloody mess. I remember there were very few things that kept me going, the first was theatre and the second was the Furry fandom. Discovering the fandom was one of the few sources of influence that I had that told me it was okay to be gay, that didn’t make me a monster. I was okay as I was. I found people that supported me and helped me through the tough times. The fandom saved my life.
Getting into Paganism and Polytheism has also saved my life. Encountering Athena got me through one of the rougher patches in my life. So, when I entered into the Pagan community with its crystsals, Spirit Guides, drum circles, and patchouli I never thought I’d have to be overly concerned about a Furry Pagan being accepted or for participation in the fandom to be looked down upon. I rapidly found out I was wrong.
My first clue came when I posted this image
Some of the comments (which are no longer on the original photo) guffawed at how awful it would be to be surrounded by furries or were otherwise derogatory towards us. As I’ve been involved longer I’ve seen more and more derogatory language casually hurled at furries in general. Some of the complaints have some legitimacy to them, such as the sexualization of deities like Anubis, Horus, or Bast. While I don’t necessarily agree with the logic or intensity of such objections I can entirely understand where they are coming from. (But please note, I’m not defending these depictions nor am I condemning them.) The ones that really baffle me are those people who just condemn furries wholesale referring to them as “strange”, “freaks”, “fucked-up”, “sick” or “perverts” all of which I have seen a Pagan say *at least once* towards the Furry fandom. Beyond outright disdain there seems to be a lot less overt jabs and rejection being made usually on the basis of the “weirdness” of furries. The justification for the dislike usually lies in us simply being “weird” and thus falling outside of the mainstream conception of normal.
And herein lies a deeper and troubling trend in contemporary Paganism; that of being seen as normal no matter what the cost. This takes a variety of expressions, sometimes it is simply declaring another fringe out-group as being “weird” and making derogatory comments towards them. Sometimes it comes in forms that are more internally damaging such as calling those who participate in animal sacrifice sociopaths or calling their gods evil, morbid, or unworthy of worship. Sometimes it comes in the form of casting polytheistic belief and societies as primitive or superstitious or calling those who use ritual attire “LARPers” or the like. Regardless of what form it takes the damage that the insistence on normality creates is very real.
I get it. We want acceptance by the mainstream society. We want people to not give us the side-eye when we tell them our religion. We want a white picket fence with butterflies and Bar-B-Ques and all that fun bullshit, but none of that is worth the cost of our soul. And I’m not saying that disliking furries is going to cost Paganism to lose its meaning and its worth. Rather, the dislike of other fringe groups in an attempt to appear (consciously or subconsciously) more normal is symptomatic of something that will cause us to lose our being. What kind of Pagan you are doesn’t matter. Heathen, Hellenist, Druid, Wiccan, Witch, it doesn’t matter. If you get wrapped up in conforming to the bulk of the mores present in middle class white America then you run the risk of losing the essence of what makes us us. We wind up being like an enamored youth desiring for their flesh to meet with someone it never will. It is destructive.
In my own circles I see this trend playing out to disastrous effect. In a desperate attempt to distance themselves from those “weird”, “strange”, or “fluffy” Wiccans many Recons wind up crafting a narrative that simply isn’t accurate to the archaeological record and is decidedly not beneficial to our modern communities. I’ve seen time and again (through lurking and watching mostly) people who have some real genuine talent. People who could have some real talent as liturgists, magicians, diviners, or healers who are never even given a chance because of their perceived woo-woo and eclecticism. I’ve talked to some of these folks after the fact. Some aren’t eclectic, just new. And some are eclectic but who the fuck cares because what they do works. It isn’t done out of a genuine care or concern for Hellenism or the theoi, though some may try to frame it as such. It is done, almost always, out of a deep fear that we might be perceived as deviant, strange, or unacceptable.
So next time you think about speaking ill of a strange fringe group (maybe one that really digs anthropomorphic animals) think about why you are doing it and if maybe you have internalized some values that are ultimately destructive.
As for me, I’m going to continue happily being a part of a community that has given me so much over the years. I only hope that next time you see a Furry, you think of me and my powerful thighs and say “Even though I think it is weird, I’m not going to be a jerk. For the good of Paganism.”
“You are a Hellenic Polytheist? What’s that?” His eyes are filled with curiosity, which excites me. Someone wanting to learn more, to know more, to understand us more! Then his mouth opens and those five dreaded words roll out “You must be pretty interesting!”
“I’m not” is my short reply. “I’m boring, boring, boring. Most of my time is spent reading or playing video games or studying. I’m really not that interesting.” And then my spiel about Hellenism begins, with careful emphasis on hitting some common values and worship styles as well as emphasizing the very real belief in multiple gods. But those five words always leave me a little bothered, concerned that by the mere fact of my religion I become “interesting”. Part of me understands the fascination. It is rare to meet a polytheist in this country, in particular meeting one who was born and raised here. Part of it surely strikes certain groups of being subversive and their interest is piqued for that reason alone. But being exociticized effectively renders you a side character in another’s view, someone who will never be realized in the eyes of another as a full human. Your essence becomes that which makes you “interesting” to them and even after having made your acquaintance for a number of years they will never see you as being any more than a “Hellenist” or a “Muslim” or a “Jew” or “my Chinese friend”. You are a side character to them at best and a sideshow diversion at worst. So every time I’m declared “interesting” on the basis of my religion alone I cringe and insist I’m boring, not because I think it is true. . .but because I don’t want to be reduced to that one core aspect of my being. If someone wants to know me. . .I want them to know me.
The side-character reduction isn’t only done by those who wish to be our friends because we are “interesting” though. Being an out polytheist also means having to deal with becoming a side-character in someone else’s “mission” to save souls. To them, you end up representing the ultimate degradation of humanity and the highest expression of foolishness. They vehemently insist that there is only one God and try to make you fear Hell if you don’t agree with them. You represent the possibility that they are wrong. After all, you likely began life as a Christian and you’ve left to worship many gods, this opens up a strong avenue of doubt for these people and so you become the side-character that serves as a point of action for their divine mission. If they decide not to repeatedly target you (through e-mails or facebook) for their evangelizing effort they will certainly use you to publicly demonstrate their (rather twisted) version of piety whenever they encounter you in public. You become a prop, a tool for the telling of their spirituality and faithfulness. When they fail in their evangelizing efforts they will grow angry with you or act as if you have done something unforgivably offensive if you attempt to fight back against them. These people represent the other end of the spectrum of typical American reactions to a polytheist presence in the United States.
I’d like to say that the distribution for these reactions operated like a bell curve but my experiences don’t reflect that. Most of the people who have given me neutral reactions are people that I’ve been acquainted with for years and their interest in my religion is because they want to know more about a part of my life, they’ve never reduced me down to my faith as my essence. Most of the people who I’ve interacted with as an out polytheist really follow a bimodal model with younger folks tending to fall into the first camp and older folks tending to fall into the second camp. I find that as time goes on I avoid more and more interfaith settings, not out of fear of ridicule, but out of frustration. Growing up as the oldest, geekiest, and wimpiest sibling, I’m used to ridicule. I’m sick and tired of being misunderstood or having people project their desires to experience a more subversive worldview onto me simply because of my religion. Make no mistake, I’m aware that many expressions of polytheism are truly subversive to the mainstream culture. I’d just prefer them to see me in a dress and heels before they make that call and not simply make it because I worship Athena.
There isn’t a lot that we (polytheists) can do to move people from this bimodal distribution, but folks who find themselves reacting in one of the two described ways can do something. Realize that this person is a fully developed human being, with hopes, fears, worries, loves, and hates. Realize that many of us have worked very hard to be where we are at and that the knowledge we share with you was likely gained through intense study and practice. Ask us about stuff outside of our religion, be our friend, have a beer with us and really get to know us. Not only will you make a friend (who likely knows how to have a good time. . .) but you’ll learn more than you would by treating the individual like an exotic outsider. You’ll get invited to festivals and household celebrations and be able to understand a little better how all of this integrates into a person’s life. You’ll be deeply surprised at what you could learn.
And for those who are seeking to convert us, fuck off.
-my newest post is up in which I dip my toes into the pool of theology.
-my IndieGoGo campaign was a success with 975 dollars being donated to the campaign. After IndieGoGo took their cut I came out with 850 dollars, enough to get me to the conference and back and to have a buffer in case any emergencies pop up.
– Look for an announcement about an exciting new endeavor within the coming weeks. I’d also start reading my Lettucey friend
THINGS I’M DIGGING
Miss Fame’s new single “Rubber Doll” has me tingly in all the right ways [NSFW]